You will likely remember situations where you've felt obliged to say yes. Perhaps your boss volunteered you for a project with no way to decline, or your parents insisted you attend a family gathering despite your need for a quiet weekend to decompress. We comply, don’t we, but at what cost?
Why the ability to say no matters in your career
The ability to say no is a crucial career skill that could prevent burnout while protecting your wellbeing. By declining certain commitments, you preserve time and energy for high-priority work, establish professional respect, and contribute to the creation of healthy workplace dynamics.
Always saying yes can have its costs and your work quality may diminish if you spread yourself too thinly. Overcommitting and underdelivering impacts negatively your professional reputation, this also weighs on your mental and physical health.
Remember: The ability to set boundaries often distinguishes high performers from those who burn out.
Having said this, it is not wise or productive to just say no without careful thought, so let’s discuss this further.
Why do we feel we have to comply?
Being good vs. being bad
As Dr Sunita Sah describes in her book Defy: The Power of No in a World that Demands Yes, from an early age we learn that doing what our parents ask is good, while objecting or saying no is labelled bad. This habit carries on into our workplace, where we consider complying with senior leadership as the good choice for being successful or complying with the group’s ideas for being cooperative.
Fortunately, many modern leaders recognise the importance of employees feeling empowered to say "no" and speak up for what they believe is right. This leads to a more productive workplace, greater innovation, and healthier dynamics. As Dr Sah suggests, it's time to change our mindset and view the ability to defy a positive trait.
Remember: Saying no is not being difficult - it's a valuable professional skill that prioritises making the best decision while protecting our time, energy, and values.
The battle between our independent and interdependent selves
We experience an internal conflict between two aspects of ourselves:
So certain situations challenge our boundaries and our interdependent self can fear that saying no will hurt others or make us less of a team player.
The perception: Aggression or superpower?
People who say no can be viewed as blunt, aggressive, or angry. In other cases, we look at those who speak up as if they possess some extraordinary strength. The reality is neither. You can say no without being loud or aggressive, and this ability is within everyone's reach. According to Dr. Sah, many people know they want to say no, they understand their boundaries, and wish to speak up but they don't know how to do it effectively.
When should we consider saying no?
Over the weekend, I was reading about Cristina Balan an engineer working at Tesla, who used to be so influential at the company that her initials were engraved on Model S batteries. Cristina found herself in a difficult position when she identified a safety concern about carpets curling beneath pedals in Tesla models. When management rebuffed her concerns and became hostile, she faced a critical decision: continue to comply or stand up for her professional values.
Her choice to persist ultimately cost her job, leading to years of legal battles with Elon Musk and Tesla. After winning a wrongful dismissal case, Balan faced public accusations from Tesla of using company resources for a "secret project"—effectively allegations of embezzlement. Despite battling stage-3B breast cancer, she persisted through numerous legal challenges to clear her name, demonstrating the potential personal costs of standing by one's values in professional settings.
This recent case shows how standing up for our values can be crucially important, even when it comes at significant personal cost.
According to Dr Sah, we all experience tensions within us that can trigger the process of saying no. The tension can be a deep discomfort arising when we find ourselves pressured to comply despite preferring to defy. We may experience this as nervousness, anxiety, or doubt and usually when pressured to act against our values. To support us in developing the skill of saying no, the author suggests adopting the following framework of self-reflection through questioning:
Who am I?
What is the context?
As mentioned earlier it is not always productive to say no. There will be occasions where you can comply due to a bigger overarching purpose and you need to develop the ability to choose your battles.
What does a person like me do?
Do you remember how empowered you’ve felt after standing up for the things you believe in? The act of saying no creates a sense of self-worth and achievement. Often our biggest regrets come from failing to say no, not from saying yes.
How to build your skill to say no
As Confucius said: "Success depends upon previous preparation, and without such preparation there is likely to be failure."
To build your ability to say no effectively:
Remember: Building your no muscle takes practise but becomes easier with time.
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